I broke my ankle nearly two years ago. I've had three surgeries already and will be getting a total ankle replacement in about a month. Even with that, I will never run again.

Sometimes in a dream, I'll start running. I'll notice how magically effortless it feels. How wonderful to be able to run again. Then a little voice in the back of my head reminds me that this can't be real. It wakes me up every time.

It was a rough day when I opened Strava to log one of my physical therapy walks and realized that if I scroll down a bit, I can find a record of the longest run I will ever do.

I'm mostly at peace with it now. I'm grateful that at least I was into running for a while before I lost it, so at least I don't regret never having done it. And I never really enjoyed it then anyway. I just did it for health reasons and the sense of accomplishment.

I'm sorry for your suffering. I know what this longing feels like.

Godamn that sucks :(. What did you do to it?

It really sucks when you break something and realise it might not ever go back to how it was before you break it (whether in how it feels or functions). I always had broken bones in my head as this thing that heal after a couple months and you're back to 100% :/ (also broke my ankle)

I was trying to be healthier, so I started biking to work. I was worried about safety, so I only felt comfortable doing this because my commute was 90% on bike paths.

Then I slipped on a puddle and landed really wrong on my left ankle. :(

I don't know if I stuck my foot out and foot planted or the bike landed on it or what, but the end result was a tri-malleolar fracture with dislocation. Basically I tried to twist my foot off and broken the tips off my tibia and fibula in the process. I had a bunch of other complications after that: severe fracture blisters, nerve block rebound pain, infection, problems with wound healing, and then finally the cartilage crapped out and I got post-traumatic osteoarthritis.

> I always had broken bones in my head as this thing that heal after a couple months and you're back to 100% :/ (also broke my ankle)

Me too! This was my first broken bone. I thought I'd just go to the hospital, they'd patch me up, and I'd go on with my life. But then every appointment with the surgeon, the prognosis got worse and worse.

With the replacement, if everything goes well, then I should at least be able to walk, and hike, and dance without pain. But nothing high impact or putting a lot of torque on the ankle. No running, no intense sports. The door to that part of my life has closed.

Man, that bull** :'(. I had a Bimal syndesmosis, so not as bad as you (and many fewer complications..) - I was riding an electric unicycle off-road on MTB trails, which sounds a lot dumber than what you were doing XD. Even so, it still bothers me over a year later.

I feel like it's worse with an ankle because if you don't break it they basically don't get arthritis, unlike a knee or hip; so you've lost more when you get ankle PTOA :'(.

I hope your TAR serves you well - they definitely sound like they've been getting better, so hopefully you get a good long while out of it.

Tearing the syndemosis sounds rough!

Coincidentally, right around a same time, a friend of mine wiped out on his OneWheel and had a compound ankle fracture with dislocation. I don't recall how many malleoluses he broke, but it was pretty gnarly. But he's been healing well and it seems like his cartilage might survive OK. I'm happy for him but also envious.

> I feel like it's worse with an ankle because if you don't break it they basically don't get arthritis

It's crazy how well an ankle performs when you think about it. It is so much smaller than your hip or knee, and it takes even more impact force than those joints do when you run, and often while at weird angles. It's a miracle they work at all.

> they definitely sound like they've been getting better,

That's what I hear. If this had happened a decade ago, I'd probably getting a fusion now. Good luck on your recovery too.

Hope you see your dream realized. But know that that stillness is achievable through other activities as well. Most directly and deeply, through a meditation practice which is geared towards reaching those deep meditation states (called Jhanas in the Pali canon). My favorite guide on that particular path is Leigh Brasington.

Can you swim? This is the only thing besides running that gets me there.

A Concept 2 rowing machine can also do this (in my experience). No impact, similar to swimming.

Check the ElliptiGo. It gives you a similar feeling without the impact on the knees or hip. I know someone who was an avid long life runner. He substituted running for using the ElliptiGo for years and seemed very happy with it. Surprisingly, he was able to run again. I also have the ElliptiGo, but I don't have knee problems, I started using it because at one time I was having neck pain and couldn't run, bike or swim.

What does it feel like to ride on of those? Versus like a bicycle?

Hard to describe. It is fun, like running on something soft. Whenever I am lazy and stop riding mine for a few months and I get back I am baffled on why I stopped.

I'm in a similar situation. In my case, I can't walk pain-free anymore with or without insoles. Operations are possible but again, not a good solution, just lots of metallic rods in affected areas, weeks to months of heeling, no work, not a permanent fix, more like getting a root canal, and getting a crown. I'm hopeful something meaningful, affordable comes out of all the research is being done.