Not my entire life, but competing with my girlfriend/wife. Trying to win arguments instead of trying to solve the problem. Holding onto resentments instead of letting them go.
We used to have huge arguements all the time, it took having a kid together to finally hammer it into my head that we are on the same team, we need to work together. Since then we've had 2 kids under 2 during covid and barely argued in 4 years
This reminds me of an article I read some time ago written by a house wife. In it, she admitted to verbally abusing her husband and demeaning his intelligence. When he'd do things like accidentally put colors in the wrong wash, she would chew him out and belittle him for not doing it right. And of course he felt ashamed and uncomfortable sharing his trivial mistakes with his wife. Then one time she left his tools out in the rain and they rusted. She apologized profusely but all he said was "It's okay, they're only tools."
It made her rethink how she treated her husband. She married him because she knew he was intelligent and kind, so why does she look for evidence to the contrary and berate him for it? She says their marriage was much better after she realized her fault in this. That article left a deep impression on me as to how I should treat my partner/people I respect.
Absolutely. People are human,and to be human is to make mistakes. You can't claim to love someone if you can't accept them for their imperfection and extend to them the same grace you allow yourself for your own mishaps and fuckups.
Back a long time ago, about a year into my relationship, my partner managed to spill an entire crockpot of apple cider all over the backseat of my car she was borrowing to take to a friend's place. I reminded her several times to make sure to shut it tight and to secure it somewhere on the floor in the middle of the rest of her stuff so it wouldn't tip and spill.
Of course she didn't do any of that and it got absolutely all over my seats and was a sticky gross mess. I later heard she spent the whole rest of the night over there fretting and worrying about how mad I was gonna be when she got home. And she was literally dumbstruck when my only response was "Alright no worries, sounds good" when she'd gotten back and offered to pay to get the interior detailed after explaining what happened.
"Aren't you mad," she asked and I just said "Not really, it's fixable and you already said you'd fix it, not much to be mad about."
There was an HN thread a month or two ago about parenting books. One poster recommended "How To Talk So Children Will Listen and Listen So Children Will Talk" and it describes this theme very well as "natural consequences."
The book points out that when someone (like your child) does wrong by you, they know it, and you punishing them for it just "pays up the balance." And since the slate is clean, they just pay for the next mistake the same way. Without learning anything.
The correct response (and the response you show with your partner) is to let them experience the natural consequences. You trusted her with something, she couldn't follow through, so it would be totally reasonable not to let her do it in the future. But she did right by you in the end (as a natural consequence) and you both feel vindicated as a result. You see she really cares and she sees you're patient with her mistakes. I think it's a powerful concept that encourages being non-judgemental while still asserting your own desires.
Hah, you caught me. I actually worked part time at k-5 afterschool program for 3 years during my first run at college. Nothing will teach you patience like working with young children, and I definitely recycle a lot of the stuff they taught us for interacting with children in dealing with my personal/work relationships.
