I've been in very similar, if not identical states. Often times it's because I've abandoned myself and am living out my parents desires/thoughts/neglect/brushings-aside.

Over time I've come to accept that accepting my parents, friends, reality, as they are is not the same as condoning it. In fact I can't condone or disavow anything I haven't first acknowledged. Beginning with myself.

I can accept myself without condoning my actions. I can extend that same acceptance to others. And I can do what I need to find my own voice.

Comment above mentioned community and showing up. Al-Anon was invaluable on my own path to serenity. I wish I could say more, I've probably already said too much. Forgive me friend.

The pain often feels like it will never end, but in time, with help and support you will learn to deal with your problems and the pain will subside.

Try to be gentle with yourself in the meantime.