I grew up in a fairly poor home and it was similar. My parents sometimes acknowledged that we were poor, but they otherwise seemed to pretend it wasn’t true. Asking for something that cost money was practically punishable - instead of saying no, we still can’t afford that, it was construed as rude and selfish.
This kind of sensitivity and denial around financial difficulties is common but very unhealthy for both the kids and the parent.
Kids won’t hate you for having money troubles. They won’t be annoyed that you can’t buy them {cool thing} if it’s clear why you can’t. If they are, it’s another learning opportunity.
I’m doing okay now, but I share my financial mistakes with my kids when it’s relevant and try to keep conversations open about how these matters impact them now and later in their lives.
My hope is that as they age they’ll see me as a resource for help, someone to guide them through things, to recognize that their finances aren’t something to be afraid of or keep secret.
In my parent’s defence, they wanted to hide our financial situation because it scared them and they didn’t want it to scare and unnerve their kids. The trouble is though that like you said, the kids will know anyway. The lack of insight into what’s happening only makes them feel more insecure and normalizes hiding upsetting things from people you love. Good intentions only get you so far, I guess.
Couldn't agree more. I'll offer my own generalization. We generally feel what close ones are feeling, whether it's verbalised or not. If you are too ashamed to share something, or too scared, or whatever, what the other feels is exactly that feeling that you're trying to hide. Maybe you wanted to protect that close one from the feeling, but instead you're teaching him that that feeling cannot be accepted or transformed into something good. That feeling is something to avoid, to hide from, to numb yourself to. And, a final obvious point, it's not about the actual worldy situation, but about how we act in it. This applies to anything you can't accept.
This kind of sensitivity and denial around financial difficulties is common but very unhealthy for both the kids and the parent.
Kids won’t hate you for having money troubles. They won’t be annoyed that you can’t buy them {cool thing} if it’s clear why you can’t. If they are, it’s another learning opportunity.
I’m doing okay now, but I share my financial mistakes with my kids when it’s relevant and try to keep conversations open about how these matters impact them now and later in their lives.
My hope is that as they age they’ll see me as a resource for help, someone to guide them through things, to recognize that their finances aren’t something to be afraid of or keep secret.
In my parent’s defence, they wanted to hide our financial situation because it scared them and they didn’t want it to scare and unnerve their kids. The trouble is though that like you said, the kids will know anyway. The lack of insight into what’s happening only makes them feel more insecure and normalizes hiding upsetting things from people you love. Good intentions only get you so far, I guess.